This Is Kristin

Over the past 6 months God has continued to bring the book of James into my bible study time. It’s such straight forward book, yet the instructions are very difficult to do. I have had the hardest time getting over the 2nd verse- “take joy in your suffering,” or “consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds.” Seriously? How do you do that? That is my first reaction, there are just times where it doesn’t make sense, and it’s really hard to see the bigger picture, and it’s really hard to consider a trial “joy,” because I just don’t want to go through it, because it’s uncomfortable, it hurts, and it doesn’t make sense.

I hear what God is saying in James- “these trials will make you, (or them) strong. These trials accomplish things unseen, for the greater good.” I hear that, yet it’s hard for me to make sense. This is something that I have been struggling with off and on for awhile now, trying to understand why we are to consider our trials joyful, when it goes against nature, and it goes against any feeling we may have. The funny thing is, God showed me in a sense what He means, the other day in the doctors office.

My son had been sick with strep for an entire week, missed school, missed trick or treating on Halloween, he was in bed feeling awful, the antibiotics he was currently on were not working. I took him back to the doctor, both of us ready for some help to get him well. The Dr. said he needed to get a shot, and that is when his freak out began. This boy is very afraid of shots, and has been his entire life. His little brothers can get shots no problem, but he has had to be pried from underneath a chair, he’s kicked and hit nurses before, and he screams and cries. The office knows this, and they usually send in three to four nurses when it’s time to give the shot. This time, just one very strong and straight forward nurse came in. We had to pick my 65 pound flailing son up and put him on the table, despite his protests, hold him down, promising him this was for his good, while he screamed and cried, “why? I don’t want to get a shot!!!” After it was over, it took him a good 20 minutes to calm down, he was mad at me, and continued crying. Finally, I talked to him.

“Why are you so mad?”- me
“because you made me get a shot.”- Blue
“I made you get a shot, because I trust your Doctor, and she knows that this medicine will make you well. You’ve been sick and miserable for a week, even though the shot hurts for a little bit, it helps you get better, so you won’t be sick anymore.” – me
“Medicine shouldn’t hurt.”- Blue
“It hurts a little, but helps a lot.”- me
He accepted this, but kept pouting… I kept thinking.

Wow, this is exactly what God has been trying to show me over and over through James. It’s the perspective He’s trying to give me. These things, these trials, hurt for awhile, but they are accomplishing something good, unseen, and we are to trust that. So much so, that we take Joy in the trial. Trusting that God knows what He’s doing, trusting that even though something hurts, is uncomfortable or even scary, it will accomplish something bigger and better in God’s hands.

How many times have I somewhat acted like Blue? Freaking out about something that is so unfair, it seems, why should I have to go through this, why should those good people suffer? How many times have I asked why? How many times have I said, “your plan shouldn’t hurt?”

All the while, God is working. He is working it for good. He is strengthening, maturing, driving out negative attributes, causing something bad to work to something good…. things we may never understand. All of the bible is full of stories of people who have to wait forever to recieve God’s promises, or have to go through hardships to be strengthened. None of God’s people in the bible had a perfect life that went perfectly. So, why are trials so shocking to me? Why do I expect things to go well, and fair, and right? I need that perspective shift. I need to see that things are going to happen to me, to my family, to people in my life, and I will ache, and hurt and cry and be uncomfortable, but I need to see and trust that God is working it out…. for good. Even if it doesn’t make sense to me, even if I think God’s plan shouldn’t hurt, at all. That is trust, that is faith. Saying, “this hurts, and I hate this circumstance, but I trust You God, You are going to turn this around, You are working this out for good.”

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mautre and complete not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” – Genesis 50:20

“And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him” Romans 8:28

Last night Brody and I went to listen to Rob Bell speak on the topic of Art in the suffering. The general idea is that instead of asking the “why” question when faced with suffering- ask “what now?” ask “how” this will shape you? ask “where” this will take you?

He had us all hold a bar of soap in our hands and showed us pictures of these incredible sculptures people had carved from the same bar of soap. He talked about how to sculpt, you have to remove pieces and the artist carefully knows which pieces to remove, to make a masterpiece. Then he said that we are holding each of those masterpieces in our hands, inside the soap, pieces need to be removed to create them, and that these creations can not be made, without making a mess.

This is compared to us, to our character, to our personality, to who we are to become. God, the creator, knows which pieces need to be removed to create that masterpiece, and this may be messy, but God can use each beautiful piece.

The experience was incredibly unique, because you are drawn into these series of stories, and interactive activities, and images. The thoughts are profoundly deep, yet seem so simple. I could sit and listen again tonight, there is just so much to chew on.

I fully recommend if you have the chance to hear him speak on this topic, do so, because it’s very encouraging and inspiring.

~ It is a lot harder to let go of worry over situations, than it seems, especially when you care about someone, or the relationship, or the thing, or whatever it is that you are worrying about. I know that the bible says not to worry, or fear, to give our burdens to God, but at times letting go of that worry and fear is so difficult. I am starting to realize that God works through our inadequacies. He tells us not to worry, because He’s there, but He would not have to tell us that if it were not our natural tendency.

I worry about my husband, being away, and being sick, but it encourages me to pray for him more. I worry about my son not listening, and being rebellious, so it causes me to focus more and find ways to help that. I worry about why people treat me a certain way, but it causes a healthy detachment, and the realization that God loves me, even if they don’t. I think that God works through my natural draw to worry, but He is always there telling me, “you don’t need to worry, everything is in my Hand.” So inevitably, I end up giving Him my worries, literally saying, “Here it is God, the outcome is yours.” and this enables me to move on in action and peace.

~ I helped in Sunday school today, have been running errands and am washing sheets and things today for my in laws coming for a visit! (yay!) So I don’t have time to write much today, but am linking to a short devotional type article, or whatever you’d call it. It’s by Beth Moore and about needing the Holy Spirit filling us up. Read it Here…

An excerpt:
“God gives His Spirit without measure! He has all that you need. Or more properly stated, He is that all you need. Our fulfillment and greatest joy are in the flooding of the Holy Spirit of God in our lives. He is how we understand God’s Word and will for our lives!”

~ My son thinks I can see behind me, and underneath the table. Somehow I always know what he’s doing, or how many fingers he’s holding up. I’m not a super hero to him, I just eat lots of carrots so I can see through tables, and grow eyes in the back of my head, he says. I think it may be some motherly instinct, or maybe just chalk it down to the fact that I know my son, I am around him, and know what he’s up to by certain sounds he’s making, and as far as guessing how many fingers he’s holding up, thats just luck, and he still thinks I’m great even when I do make a mistake.

~I am begining to wonder if that is similar to God’s presence in my life. That the closer I am to him, the more I notice his presence around me, even when I can’t clearly see him, or know what He’s doing. I know He’s there, and up to something, and the closer I am to him, the more likely I know what it is He’s doing.

So often, I get caught up in the “where are you God,” that I am failing to see that He’s not gone anywhere, my vision and focus on him has just gotten blurry, and I haven’t been around Him to know Him well enough to recognize that He’s near, or up to something. I once heard a speaker say, “He never lets go.” and I got this mental picture of God holding my wrist, not my hand. I envisioned it that way, because it hit me, that it was my choice to hold him back, and at times I let my hand drop, or don’t have the strength to hold on, but He’s got me, by the wrist, and He’s not letting go, even when I can’t see Him clearly, or hear Him clearly, or know what He is doing. He is always there, and always holding on.

“The Christian commitment is not an abstraction. It is a concrete, visible, courageous, and formidable way of being in the world, forged by daily choices consistent with the truth……… the one who talks, especially if he talks to God, can affect a great deal, but the one who acts really means business and has more claims on our attention.”
~ Brennan Manning.

“LIfe can sometimes make us feel like we’re in over our heads, but the reality is that, without God, we’re always in over our heads. For example, a little three year old girl felt secure in her father’s arms as Dad stood in the middle of a swimming pool. But Dad, for fun, began walking slowly toward the deep end, as the water rose higher and higher on the child. The girl’s face registered increasing degrees of panic, as she held all the more tightly to her father, who, of course easily touched the bottom. Had the little girl been able to analyze her situation, she’d have realized there was no reason for her increasing fear. The water’s depth in ANY part of the pool was over her head. For her, safety anywhere in that pool depended on Dad.
At various points in our lives, all of us feel we’re getting ‘out of our depth,’ or ‘in over our heads.’ There are problems all around….and our temptation is to panic, because we feel we’ve lost control. But think about it- just like the child in the pool, the truth is we’ve never been in control when it comes to life’s most crucial elements.” ~Joyce Meyer

~ The part of this that hit me, was the realization that the girl would’ve been in over her head at any part of the pool, that she needed her Dad to be holding her up even in the shallower waters. At times when life seems more peaceful, it seems easy to forget that God is there still holding my head above the waters, they just aren’t as dark and tumultuous, so I don’t notice my needs as greatly, or cling as tightly. The irony is that my need is just as great, and it is never myself that I can be depending on.

“… a sense of brotherhood and community is not derived from the actions and attitudes of others toward us, but our actions and attitudes toward them. As we imitate this approach to other believers, we will form cords of love not quickly broken.”
~Beth Moore

~It seems like attitude can change just about any situation. I have such a hard time with this, I kind of adopt a “feeling,” and then I am stuck for awhile. For instance, I don’t like going to church.

I didn’t say I don’t like church, or anything about church, I just don’t like the act of going there.
I think this is because, first of all, growing up, Sundays were relax at home days for me, or play with friends, I didn’t go to church, it was like a “free day” of the week. So I’ve had a hard time changing my mindset about Sundays, getting up and going like it’s a busy day of the week.

Well, I worry that somehow this unspoken feeling of mine, or maybe my attitude about church is rubbing off on my kids, because they never want to go, I have to drag them to get dressed, eat breakfast, get out the door, etc. They walk slowly down the halls, and cry when they go in their class.

Secondly, I have an attitude about the people though, which again I need to change. I instantly feel “judged” when people realize that I have three kids. I feel like as soon as someone knows that someone my age has three kids, they are weirded out. So my guard is already up before I even begin to interact with people. I’m in and out, and I feel like they are thinking, “there goes that young mom with three kids again….” And that somehow, being young makes me inadequate or something. Again, all my perception. I just keep my head down, and keep walking…

After reading this quote in my bible study, it hit me, maybe they aren’t thinking those things, maybe they are thinking, “why doesn’t she want to talk to anyone?” And even if they are thinking those things, who cares? Wouldn’t my attitude toward them matter more, and possibly change the way they are feeling or thinking?

I am going to try to change my attitude about church, about people, and stop assuming what they are thinking and saying, and try to be friendlier, and hopefully it will rub off on my kids.

I love the Brennan Manning books that I have read. He speaks to those that know they are not perfect, and that yearn to know the love and trust of Jesus more deeply. I am reading his devotional now, and nearly every day there is something that jumps out to me. This is my second time through it, and there is still just so much wisdom you can get from his words.

~Here is an excerpt of one of the points that rings in my ears.

” Here is the essence of perfect sincerity in conduct- to care for nothing but God’s judgment on our actions; not to vary our attitude to suit the company we are in, not to hold one opinion when alone and adopt another in conversation, but to speak and act as in the sight of God who can read our inmost thoughts. Sincerity means trying to make the outward man more and more like the inner man, by simply being true to one-self, so that no human respect can make us false.”

*Question: Do you think that being sincere with yourself, and with others, being able to be totally consistent and transparent, takes confidence or comfort?

The topic of todays message was from Luke 15:1-3 (The pharisees were disgusted with Jesus for teaching and eating with sinners) and Luke 15:20-32. (the story of the prodigal son, and how his brother was disgusted with his father’s welcoming reaction to his brother)

The pastor was talking about how we are most like Pharisees when,
~when we define our own righteousness.
~when we show no compassion for those who are far away from God.
~when we show anger when God dispenses mercy. (It is easy to want mercy for ourselves, and justice for others.)
~when we live with an unforgiving spirit. He told a story about a letter he’d recently recieved from a man whom he’d known 40 years prior. During that time he hurt this man by something he’d said, and they talked about, he asked him for forgiveness, the man accepted the apology, and they went on their seperate ways. 40 years later now, the man writes him a letter replaying the entire hurtful experience, and is still angry and hurt with him.

He said we need to start each new day fresh without keeping record of wrongs, being very quick to forgive and let go. He talked about the importance of not living in the past, and by truly accepting God’s grace for us, we’d bestow that on others. He prayed that we’d all never get over God’s grace, that it would continue to amaze us, and fill us with gratitude each day.