This Is Kristin

I have really struggled with the idea that God actually loves *me.*  It’s easy for me to believe that God loves my enemies, the poor, the proud, my friends, and family, but when it comes to me, I’ve always felt like a “back burner” person.  The person who gets overlooked, the person not important enough or good enough to be remembered, the mistake.

I’m so sick of feeling that way.  People still treat me that way, some people will always treat each other that way, but God does not, no matter what I do. Life circumstances do not equal God’s love.  The way other people treat me do not equal God’s love.

He says in the bible that He loves all of us, that we are all sinners, and no one is better than another.  Why haven’t I just believed Him?  Am I that much of an emotional woman that I think He doesn’t really mean what He says?  That He would cause me to be born, and not actually care about me? Well, I used to, yes, but I think I’m finally reaching that point where I believe what He says.

I was praying that prayer, again, “God please show me that you love me,”  and then the dog pooped on the floor, seriously.  I started to cry, and then realized- wait- these two incidents are not connected.  My dog is old, and just because he pooped on the floor, does not mean God was trying to send me some kind of message.  His word doesn’t change, his love doesn’t change.  If I can love my dog, who is so imperfect, and my kids who are also so imperfect, why don’t I believe that God can still love me, even though I am not perfect?

Then,  I was really getting into this book I was reading, feeling like God was speaking to me through the pages, thinking to myself, “see this is why I need to read books, so they can help me understand God,” and then Cooper hid it from me.  I can’t find it anywhere.  For 3 days I’ve been searching my house for this book, and I can’t find it.   Again, I was tempted to believe that God didn’t want me to find it, that He didn’t really want to speak to me, or for me to grow, and then I realized what I was thinking, and how ridiculous that is.

God wants me to hear Him- what He’s already said to me, and to swallow it.  He doesn’t want me to be dependent on any other person to hear what He has to say, even an author of a really good book.

See, for so long, I have been this baby Christian.  I’ve “held the hands” and been so dependent on those around me, and did what they did, and changed my thinking to what they thought.  When those people treated me badly, I felt like God himself was treating me badly.  I’ve measured myself against what other people thought of me.  Then it recently hit me… that is crazy.  Peoples’ feelings change.  People get corrupted by pride.  People are inconsistent.  God says He is unchanging.  God says He loves us.  God says there is always grace.  God says He will not leave us.  Why am I depending on people, and not on God?

The truths I’ve swallowed are this.  No matter what is going on in my life, and no matter how silent I feel like God is being, I still believe that He has not forgotten me, I believe that He loves me.  No matter what I’m “feeling,” His love doesn’t change.

You know how good that feels to say?  You know how long that has taken me to “get.”  I have been a Christian for nearly 10 years, and for the first time I can say that- and believe it.  I know this is not an original idea, I’ve read these very truths before, but it just has never sunk in.  I’ve had to walk through experiences in my life to understand these things.  I’ve had to think, and feel, to live and to cry, before these truths have finally sunk into my heart.

I’m finally understanding why God may be putting me in this place of isolation, why He’s not helping me to find the book, why He’s testing me with circumstances like my dog pooping on the floor.  He wants me to get it.  He’s tired of me saying, “God do you love me?”  He wants me to hear Him when He says “yes.”  He wants me to accept it, and believe it, inspite of what is happening around me, and I think I finally am.

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